CHIBATRON

Ophelia Does Not Chew Gum:

Today I was contemplating the seemingly unnecessary concept of chewing gum. Before you let your childish preconceived notions on the vitality of that stick of Orbit that may add to your taste buds and the transformation of your onion saturated breath take over your mind into your state of gum-loving life….consider this: chewing gum makes you look like a retard.  And I mean that literally for those of you who read that statement and deem me as politically incorrect. Seeing somebody violently chewing gum (which to the untrained gum-knowing eye, it appears that you are chewing on nothing for a dangerously long time.) makes you look mentally disabled.  Now if this is the look you are going for then I also encourage you to buy a blue-tooth ear piece and talk loudly to your Russian grandmother while chewing gum on the streets of San Fransisco.

Another downside for gum addicts is that they are usually also pretty ill-mannered. Now while this person may make their gum-chewing obvious rather than a questionable brain deficiency…whomever they converse with will also know what color and the general extent as to the size of the piece gum that they have wedged between their jaw. I mean tell me, dear chibatron gum addicts out there…is the gum really that good? If your breath is faulty why not just pop in an Altoid? Their condensed minty extravaganza  of a  breath neutralizer I would think is much more effective. Another intolerable act of a gum addict is the smacking. My own father suffers from this gum-smacking problem, and it causes me great pain. Not only because seeing a grown man in a suit smack his fruity gum like a lip-gloss wearing high school girl seems to be a bit of an oxymoron, but also because when asked why he insists on chewing his gum in such a fashion his only response will be: “I like to get the flavor out”.  He also chews his gum often for hours at a time (I assume only because he forgets he is chewing on it despite the sound effects he creates) which makes me also question why he seeks the extraction of the flavor so promptly. Though I am at a loss as to why anyone for that matter would continue chewing that precious piece even long after it loses its fruity charm.

The worst aspect of the gum-addicts out there are the side effects that they detrimentally cause to society. (Meaning to me, specifically) Not only is my school now covered with the array of black dots from the weathered wear of their previously chewed gum, but I am also now forced to vigilantly check the bottom surface of my desk when it comes time to duck and cover for my favorite class activity of earthquake drills for these strategically placed globs. Now, whether or not you read the entirety of my somewhat rampant rave about the undercover negative side of chewing gum, I hope you take much more consideration before fueling another $1.99 into that pack of Stride and the rapidly growing gum industry. (Because they don’t deserve their primarily advertised-based success.)

Until next time,

Ophelia.